To humiliate a Cullen
by xxfanpirexx
Summary: Mike knows the Cullen's secret, and know it will only be oh-so-easy to win Bella back. DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT HAVE PATIENCE TO READ IM'S! ON HIATUS!
1. HOBO FIREWOOD!

foreverisinyoureyes- Bella

mindfreak1901- Edward

shopoholic- Alice

emoelmo- Jasper

sleeplessbeauty- Rosalie

irritablygrizzly- Emmett

londonboy- Carlisle

pickitup- Esme

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

_mindfreak1901 has signed on._

mindfreak1901-ALICE!

_shopoholic has signed on._

shopoholic- Yes, dearest brother?

Mindfreak1901- Ha Ha, the sarcasm is _so_ unlike you.

shopoholic- Thanks!

Mindfreak1901- I was being sarcastic.

shopoholic- fine.

Mindfreak1901- Does Bella have IM.

Shopoholic-I dont know. U tell me, she's your fiancee.

Mindfreak1901-Please tell me.

Shopoholic- No.

Mindfreak1901- If you don't all of your shoes go to teh hobos to use as firewood.

Shopoholic- foreverisinyoureyes!!

Mindfreak1901- Thank you, Alice.

Shopoholic- She'll be on in 15 seconds anyway.

_Foreverisinyoureyes has signed on._

Foreverisinyoureyes- Hey Edward.

Mindfreak1901- Hello, my love

Shopoholic- Hey! Get a room!

Foreverisinyoureyes- Techically, seeing as we are not even in the same houses, we have a room. Just not the same one. :D

Shopoholic-gags, retches, hacks up cupcake I was forced to eat by Bella on Emse's new carpet

Pickitup- Which one of you little creatures just regurgitated all over my NEW CARPET!

Mindfreak1901- Alice

Shopoholic- Bella

Foreverisinyoureyes- Alice. Hello Emse, how are you?

Pickitup- Alice, dear. Be prepared. Because you are about to feel the wrath of 7 BOTTLES OF CARPET CLEANER!! I'm great, Bella. And you?

Shopoholic- No, MOM! Please I'll do anything.

Pickitup- Anything?

Foreverisinyoureyes- I'm terrific.

Shopoholic- ANYTHING!!

Pickitup- THEN PICK IT UP!! THAT'S YOUR ANYTHING!

_Shopoholic has signed off._

_Pickitup has signed off._

Mindfreak1901- I am so sorry that you had witness that. Besides the fact that we are vampires, and all about 100 years old, we are the normal, average, typical, American family.

Foreverisinyoureyes- You forgot the fact that everyone in your family is also married to their brother or sister. ;D

Mindfreak1901- Except Esme and Carlisle.

Foreverisinyoureyes- Except them. Wanna come over?

Mindfreak1901- Yes please.

Foreverisinyoureyes- See ya in a few.

Mindfreak1901- Bye!

Foreverisinyoureyes- Bye!

_Mindfreak1901 has signed off._

_Foreverisinyoureyes has signed off._


	2. The Awesomesness of MIke Newton

**This chapter includes:**

**A v. Stupid Mike Newton**

**Cults**

**Spilled secrets**

foreverisinyoureyes- Bella

mindfreak1901- Edward

shopoholic- Alice

emoelmo- Jasper

sleeplessbeauty- Rosalie

irritablegrizzly- Emmett

londonboy- Carlisle

pickitup- Esme

smexyd00d- Mike

me-with-the-curves-u-with-no-brakes- Lauren

Angie87- Angela

ECismydreamboat- Jessica

O)O)O)O)O)O)O)O)O)O)O)O)O)O)O)O)O)

(The vile Mike Newton decided to listen in a Cullen Convo… big mistake…)

_smexyd00d has signed on._

(_Haha! I shall listen in on the Cullen's conversation, seeing as I read a note Bella passed to Edward saying to meet her on here at exactly 4:35 PM. HAHAHAHA! I need to find out a horrible thing about the Cullen's so that Bella will go running back to me, as a love interest. Ha! I am just so cool; it never ceases to amaze me!)_

_Mindfreak1901 has signed on._

_Foreverisinyoureyes has signed on._

Mindfreak1901- Bella?

Foreverisinyoureyes- Hi, Edward.

Mindfreak1901-Can you believe that it's only 2 months, 27 days, 14 hours, and 35 minutes?

Foreverisinyoureyes- Till what?

Mindfreak1901- You are kidding? Right?

Foreverisinyoureyes- Of Course! I don't think I would forget my wedding date! I can try, but I wont.

(_Wedding? Le Gasp! They're getting married in 2 months, 27 days, 14 hours, and 34 minutes! Arg! Is she pregnant? Why are they getting married so soon? We are only 18! Jeez)_

Mindfreak1901- I hope not.

Foreverisinyoureyes- And then you are going to

Mindfreak1901- DON'T SAY IT!

Foreverisinyoureyes-BITE ME!

Mindfreak1901- Do you mean that metaphorical sense, or literal?

Foreverisinyoureyes- A little bit of both.

(_She wants him to bite her? What? And what is he going to do to her?)_

Mindfreak1901- So eager to join the eternally damned!

_(Eternally damned? As in VAMPIRES? No…. It couldn't be. Could it?)_

Foreverisinyoureyes- I know you don't believe that. Remember the night after I brought you back from Italy after you left? We had this discussion.

(_Italy?! I thought he was in L.A! I certainly missed something. But why was he in Italy?)_

Mindfreak1901- Okay, Maybe you are right. This time. But I was in Italy because you jumped off of a cliff.

(_A cliff? My Bella jumped off of a cliff? No way!)_

Foreverisinyoureyes- Well. Who had to go save the other person from asking to be torn apart by the Volturi? I did jump off of the cliff, but it was for fun. But you, on the other h and, instead of talking to Alice, specifically, just took it from Rosalie, and went all suicidal on me.

(_The Volturi? Torn apart? Suicidal? Bella saved him? I really missed something.)_

Mindfreak1901- Fine. But when I bite you, you can't get mad when we end up in Hell. Those three days will be pure torture, Bella. I hope you know what you are getting yourself into. But afterward, once you become one of us, you can't say I didn't tell you so.

(_Three days of torture? What, is there like, some initiation ceremony to some cult that makes people think that they're vampires? Bite her? And what does he mean become one of us? Once you join there's no leaving? That would make the whole 'Don't say I didn't tell you' so thing make sense. Hmmm.)_

Foreverisinyoureyes- Seeing as you are 108 years old, you should know better. I mean what I say. And seeing as, after I join you, we plan to live forever, it's not like you won't learn that if you haven't already.

(_He convinced her that he is 108? I bet he almost put that whole, 'Join me and live forever thing.' She listens to everything he says. It's almost nauseating, really.)_

Mindfreak1901- Can we please change the subject?

Foreverisinyoureyes- Sure. Where were you last night?

Mindfreak1901- Hunting.

(_Hunting? It's not hunting season!)_

Foreverisinyoureyes- Bag a few mountain lions?

Mindfreak1901- Yummy.

(_Did he just say yummy when she asked about mountain lions?)_

Foreverisinyoureyes- I figured that's where you where, I only asked because Emmett was in my room last night.

(_Okay… is she involved with Emmett too? And if she is... what about Jasper?)_

Mindfreak1901-What the heck was _Emmett _doing in _your _room?

Foreverisinyoureyes- He said he wanted to hear what I say in my sleep.

Mindfreak1901- That explains it.

Foreverisinyoureyes- Explains what?

Mindfreak1901- The fact that everytime I would walk up to him today he would scream "Do! Don't let Eddie the Mushroom man eat me!" and run away. So, yeah. You dream about mushrooms and me eating you.

Foreverisinyoureyes- Nice. By the way, will you be "sleeping" over tonight?

(_Did she just ask him to sleep at her house? OMG! That is too creepy! I wonder how often he does. Although, I can't imagine what a guy like him would want from Bella. He's probably in it for the sex.)_

Mindfreak1901- I usually do, don't I? Although I won't be doing much sleeping…

(_I knew it!)_

Foreverisinyoureyes- Just checking, because if Emmett is in my room when I wake up, I may stuff him in a wood chipper and burn the pieces.

(_OHHH, FIESTY!)_

Mindfreak1901- Yeah, I agree. I think that bear did something to his brain while mauling him.

(_Bear? Did that have something to do with the Initiation? Whoever lives gets in?)_

Foreverisinyoureyes- Probably… although that would mean that he probably wouldn't be able to form a coherent question…

Mindfreak1901- Where are you going with that?

Foreverisinyoureyes- Good Point.

Mindfreak1901- I'll see you tonight when Charlie is snoring.

(_They do IT while Charlie is home? God, they must be really quiet or something.)_

Foreverisinyoureyes- Right. Byes.

Mindfreak1901- Bye, my love.

_Foreverisinyoureyes has signed off._

_Mindfreak1901 has signed off._

_Irritablegrizzly has signed on._

Irritablegrizzly- THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY HEAD!

Mindfreak1901's automatic response- Not here right now. Probably at Bella's. Call me there if it is important.

Foreverisinyoureyes' automatic response- I'm probably with Edward, at my house, his house, or in our meadow. PS I LOVE EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN!! 3

Irritablegrizzly- Hello? Anybody there?

….

_Irritablegrizzly has signed off._

_Smexyd00d has signed off._

_( Ha! I have so much dirt on Cullen! I should go to her house tonight, and hide in her closet or under her bed, so I can see what she does with Cullen tonight, so I can confirm my suspicions. Bella will be MINE!)_


	3. Twinkies and Such

Foreverisinyoureyes- Bella

Foreverisinyoureyes- Bella

Mindfreak1901- Edward

Shopoholic- Alice

Emoelmo- Jasper

Sleeplessbeauty- Rosalie

Irritablegrizzly- Emmett

Londonboy- Carlisle

Pickitup- Esme

Smexyd00d- Mike

Me-with-the-curves-u-with-no-brakes- Lauren

Angie87- Angela

ECismydreamboat- Jessica

Last Chapter Summary… Mike listened in on a convo of Edward and Bella, and found out some things he shouldn't have… LE GASP!

_Angie87 has signed on._

_Angie87 has invited Ecismydreamboat to chat._

_Ecismydreamboat has signed on._

Angie87- Hey, Jess.

Ecismydreamboat- Hey, Ang. What's up?

Angie87- No clue. Mike told me to get you and Lauren online because he had some thing to tell us, but Lauren isn't home.

Me-with-the-curves-u-with-no-brakes has signed on.

Angie87- Hey, Lauren.

Me-with-the-curves-u-with-no-brakes- Hi, guys.

Ecismydreamboat- does anyone know where Mike is, because he's the reason we are on here anyways.

Me-with-the-curves-u-with-no-brakes- Mike Is so cute!

Angie87- you find chubby, idiotic, paranoid, Edward Cullen impersonators cute?

Me-with-the-curves-u-with-no-brakes- Edward copied him, not the other way around. Any he's not CHUBBY! He's just big boned.

Angie87- you ever seen a fat skeleton?

Ecismydreamboat- I'm confused.

Angie87- that doesn't surprise me, surprisingly. Well that was a weird hyperbole.

Ecismydreamboat- A bowl that drank too much Mountain Dew?

Angie87- Exactly, Jessica. Exactly.

_Smexyd00d has signed on. _

Smexyd00d- Sorry to keep you waiting ladies. I asked you to meet me here because I need to talk to you about Bella and Edward.

Ecismydreamboat- AHHHHHHHH! EDWARD!! WHERE!! OME! I DON'T EVEN HAVE MAKE UP ON! AHHH!

Smexyd00d- so, yesterday, I was on the Cullen's chat room thing, and I read one of their conversations so that I could get information about Edward so that Bella would go running back to me.

Angie87- isn't that a breach of confidentiality?

Smexyd00d- No. I don't think.

Angie87- Ok. Go on.

Smexyd00d- I found out that the 2 are getting married a couple months, Edward's in a cult and is trying to get Bella to join, there is a 3 day initiation ceremony where they make you fight with a bear, Bella went cliff diving, Edward tried to commit suicide, and he never was in LA he was in Italy. And also that he sleep at her house every night, and that Bella is also dating Emmett, too. And that the Cullen's are Vampires, or at least that's what the cult teaches them. Edward likes to eat mountain lions, apparently.

Me-with-the-curves-u-with-no-brakes- OMG! That girl did not! OMG MIKEY YOU POOR BABY… you want to come over, I can make you feel better?

Angie87- TMI!!

Ecismydreamboat- Why are they getting married so soon?

Me-with-the-curves-u-with-no-brakes- Bella is probably preggers.

Angie87- Bella is my best friend, she is so not pregnant.

Smexyd00d- anyway, I have to go hide in Bella's room so that I can get more evidence tonight. Bye!

Angie87- toodles.

Ecismydreamboat- Poodles with noodles.

LATER… AT THE SWAN HOUSEHOLD….

MPOV

I drove my car up to Bella's house. If the cruiser, the truck or the Volvo were there, I would keep driving. But luck was with me. No car was there. I parked my car around the corner and walked back. I tried the door, locked.

Then I saw the key hanging under the eave. I grabbed it, opened the door, and then put it back. I turned, and for the first time saw the Swan house. It looked like every other house in Forks. Yawn.

I walked up the stairs, and saw a door. I opened it, but it turned out to be a closet. The next door, bathroom. There were 2 doors left. I opened the door I figured wasn't Bella's. Wrong! It was.

It was not really messy, not really clean. There were 2 places I could hide. Under the bed, or in the closet. I looked under the bed. Way too much stuff under there. I looked in the closet. For such a small house it was pretty big. I moved a backpack aside, and then saw a little door there. Perfect! I could hide in the closet, and then if someone started coming, I could hide in the basement. Yay! I sat my bags down, pulling out my camera's and microphones, putting g them in strategic locations. After I had my laptop hooked up, I settled down in there, and started eating some of the Twinkies I brought. I was about to open the second one, when I heard the front door open. I looked over at camera 1, and saw Edward holding Bella, walk in the door.

BPOV

"Edward!" I screamed as he carried me in the house. "My leg is fine. Just put me down!"

"You never did tell me what happened to your leg," He said as he carried me to my room. Hm. I thought I'd closed the door this morning. Odd.

"Well, I was taking a shower in the bathroom, because Alice go really mad at me, and threw me out of the window in your room, making me fall into a mud pool. I was rinsing the mud off in you bathroom when all of a sudden, Emmett walks in holding a butcher knife, signing the Psycho theme song, throws open the shower curtain, and throws a ton of strawberry syrup on me. Not knowing was it was, I threw my towel around me, screaming, trip down the stairs, and fall down all 3 flights. Then you picked me up, brought me here, and then set me on my bed." I finished, as he laid me down.

"Emmett's a creep. I need to go. Your dad will be home soon. I'll be back in 4 hours."

"Okay, Eddie."

"Don't call me- Wait,"

"What?"

"Who was the last person in your room?"

"Us?"

"No, I smell someone else. It's a human, and I know the smell, I just don't though. It's someone we know, but don't hang around."

"Oh. Well, I don't know who it is."

"I believe you. I'll be back soon."

"Sure, sure. Bye."

He smiled my crooked grin, and threw himself out of my window.

MPOV

"Sure, Sure. Bye"

He smiled at her and then FLUNG HIMSELF OUT OF A WINDOW? That boy has mental issues. I kept listening, but I never heard a 'thump'. Odd. Now I had 4 hours to sit, and watch Bella. I am going to have a fun 4 hours.

EPOV

I jumped out of her window, and started thinking, as I ran home.

Who was in her house? It was a human, someone we knew. I went to the school, and flew into each classroom. I could definitely smell whoever it was here, and it was on the tip of my tongue. But I couldn't place the smell with a name or face. Probably just one of Bella's girlfriends, or something. I had four hours to kill, until I could go back to Bella's, according to Alice. So I decided to see how many times I could run from here to Nashville and back.

BPOV

Four hours later, Charlie was asleep, and Edward was back.

"Did you think of who it was?"

"No. This is so aggravating, you can' t even imagine."

"Edward, somebody I know, that neither of us knew was here, came into my room. That person never told me about it, and is now about to give me a panic attack. That doesn't sound aggravating to you?"

"Sorry, I guess I never thought of it that way."

He bent over to kiss me, when he suddenly pulled back and hissed.

"I know who it is."

EPOV

I leaned over to kiss Bella, when I heard a voice that was not there before.

_Do it, I dare ya._

Newton! Where is he? He is in the room somewhere! The only places he can be is under her bed, and in the closet. Ha! I'll play some mind games before I pull him out.

"I know who it is."

MPOV

Edward suddenly hissed, and straigthend up.

"I know who it is."

Bella stood so quickly that she quickly fell back over. After restanding, she gasped, "Who?"

"Newton."

"THAT RAT!"

Oh crap. I'm dead.

"Yes, Newton you are."

Whoa. Did I say that aloud?

"No. You didn't. I don't know if you knew this, but I can read minds, Mike."

Oh crap.


	4. GoogleSearchPsychicVampires

Ummm… I was this close {–––} to deleting this story- but I didn't! You guys wouldn't forgive me, the 15 of you who review. TT_TT

BPOV

"Now, Mike, come out of the closet like a good little chipmunk…"

My closet door burst open

"I AM _NOT _A CHIPMUNK! Bella, this FIEND wants to EAT YOU! There are so many other options to life! You can finish school, get married, pop out a few mini-Mikes, so many options!"

I involuntarily shuddered. Urg.

"Bella, you must see that you…are…the-" Mike stopped talking and slumped to the ground.

I looked at Edward, panicked. Edward opened his mouth to respond, but before he could, my bedroom door opened, and Jasper and Alice walked in.

"I saw what he was doing, so I had Jasper here knock Sparky out before you got _very uncomfortable._"

"Thanks guys. Now what?"

"Now, we take him home, and make him think this was all a dream."

"OK, but what if he wakes up before we get him home?"

"Bella! I am a psychic vampire! I think I know if he would wake up!"

MPOV

I was in the middle of telling the future Mrs. Michael Eugene Newton why we were destined to be together, when the world got a little fuzzy around the edges. I collapsed, and then the room started spinning. I had the best out of body experience that I've had since that one time I took my mom's blood pressure medication!

The short Cullen and the tall Cullen walked in, and they began talking. Then the short one said something about being a psychic vampire. I was right! They took me home eventually, and laied me on my bed, and left. I jumped up the moment they were gone, and booted up my shiny, really, old computer.

FirefoxGoogleSearchPhsychic_VampiresResults312,000DeleteSearchWard_Off_Psychic_Vampires2,290everything_under_the_moon

Yes! I found a spell thingy! Aha!

USE CARE WHEN DOING THIS

This is a fairly straight forward spell to rid yourself of psychic vampires (you'll know if you've got one, trust me!)

You will need on your altar :

* 2 white candles

* Sea salt in warm water in a cauldron or bowl

* Incense (frankincense or myrrh are good)

* Your favorite oil.

Place the candles at the back of the altar, one on the right to represent the God, one on the left for the Goddess. Place the salt water in the centre, and the incense at the front.

Anoint each item with the oil and say :

I ward off negativity in my home, work and everyday life.

No evil or negativity shall enter here.

Picture a white light around you and as it increases to full intensity, picture it surrounding your home and work place now say:

Psychic vampires in the night

Psychic vampires who destroy my life

Destroy no more of what i achieve

Destroy no more of what i receive

Negativity is not welcome

Evil is not welcome

In me, around me or the people I love.

Repeat this 3 times, and then allow the incense and candles to burn themselves out.

That didn't sound to hard. I tried the spell. I wonder if it will work…

**THE NEXT DAY…**

APOV

During lunch, I saw Bella sitting over by the window. WHAT WAS SHE WEARING! Those are _not_ the pants I told her to wear! I walked over to her, and was about to start yelling at her, when and over-excited Mike Newton jumped in front of me.

"HI ALICE!"

I went to push him away, but when I tried to touch him, my hand was stopped. I couldn't touch him. I raised both of my hands, and began pounding at whatever was there (A/N Imagine that picture, Alice pounding on air, looking dumbfounded) but to no avail. My hands dropped, and I felt my eyes glaze over.

I was in Mike's room, and he was on his computer looking up ways to ward off psychic vampires. I glanced down at the bottom of the screen. 7:52 PM Tuesday, November 25. Wait, that was days ago!

Cool, now I can see into the past! Right on!


	5. Of Note

I have decided that I will finish my story Time Moves On before I upload chapters to any of my other stories. They are only on Hiatus, they WILL BE FINISHED! I wish that I had finished one story before I uploaded another, because when I have people asking me when my next update will be, it gets very tiresome, especially when I have limited computer time.

So, I will finish Time Moves On, which should be finished, hopefully, before school gets out in June. I will then work on finishing my other stories.

After TMO, I plan on finishing PRANKS! Which is supposed to have about 10 or 15 chapters, maybe less.

After that, there will be To Humiliate a Cullen, which I think may have 10 or 15 chapters as well.

I do not think that Cullen Clichés will ever have a definite ending seeing as none of the chapters are interconnected, but I do believe that someday I will know when it is time to end it, and that day could be years from now. I do have ideas for the next stories I want to write, and I would like it if you guys could tell me which one you think I should begin after all of my current projects are done. SO, while this story may not have updates for a while, please note, that I am not done, and I do intend to finish it.

XOXO

April


	6. Again

Okay. I decided, that I don't know what to do with this, and that someone else, who can actually come up with an idea, should have it. So, if you want this, tell me. I'll go read your other stuff, and then I'll make a decision. Luv you guys!

April


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